It's MzMartiPants to you!

Originally published at Marti Abernathey. You can comment here or there.

I’m sitting here on the Indianapolis Museum of Art’s grounds enjoying the weather, the beautiful surroundings, and just thinking about how good my life is right now.

The last time in my life where I felt the world (and in particular the USA) was in such a bad space was during the hostage crisis back in the late 70s. The economy sucked, gas rationing was a reality, and the general feeling I got from others was that it was a time to fear, a time to be afraid, a time to suffer. With the crappy economic outlook, two wars that seem will never end, and unemployment rising, it feels much worse that even those times did.

It’s ironic when most of the world seemed to be clicking into a good spaces, my life was falling apart. Now that the world seems to be going in the shitter, mine is kicking into high gear. I’m making more money than I ever have, I having more personal success than I ever have, and my personal life is filled with wonderful people that love me in a way that I’ve never experienced. Don’t get me wrong, I’m concerned that the shitty economy is going to swoop in and affect my life. But right now when people are worrying about their 401k or their house payment, I’m thinking about what I want to do next with my life. I’ve resisted putting any money in the stock market because it goes against my general philosophy of life. I don’t want to make money that I didn’t really earn. To me, the stock market has always seemed like a fancy casino that I don’t have the money to waste on. I paid for my car (a 2001 Hyundai Accent) with cash, I rent an apartment that’s definitely below my means, and I don’t buy expensive toys or hobbies. I decided long ago that while I live in a consumer culture, I don’t have to participate in it the way that a lot of people do. I watch very little television (Olbermann and Maddow are the exceptions), and most of my free time is spent writing or doing political work.

I’m happy. And that’s not an emotion that I’ve been able to claim reliably since 1997. Fuck it, I can accept the guilt… this time in my life is too sweet.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey. You can comment here or there.

I took my last estrogen injection two weeks before the Democratic National Convention. I kind of planned it that way, due to my fear of blood clots (due to my age, estrogen therapy, and the change in elevation). When I got back to Indianapolis I called my pharmacy to get a refill (I buy my estrogen at a deep discount from a company in Nevada) and they told me that they’re having issues with my state and that my order would be delayed. I also was getting more and more close on cash. I actually had to overdraft a couple things to have enough food to last me till payday, so I put buying my medications on hold. So I’ve went for roughly a month without my estrogen injection and a couple weeks without my testosterone blocker (Spironolactone).

The effects have been invisible to most people, but they’re driving me crazy! It’s been amazing how fast my body hair grows, how the mornings become distracting, and how much more my mind is focused on physical things.

I think every transsexual goes through a period of questioning their choices, wondering if they’ve made the right ones. This break from HRT has definitely removed any of those questions/doubts. It’s actually made me think of speeding up having an orchiectomy. I don’t ever want to feel like this again.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey. You can comment here or there.

I recently wrote about my high school experience over at Classmates.com:

I had so much bad stuff going on in my life, I came to school to get away from the drama at home. I really didn’t care to do the work (something I regret now). School was more of a social hour for me than anything else. But there were a few teachers that stood out for me. It took me 4 years to pass 10th and 11th grade English (if you count summer school as a year). One class I didn’t fail was Mrs. Stumpf’s 11th grade English. She saw through my troubled exterior and gave me the tools to become the writer/blogger that I am today. In my teen years I searched for an outlet to express myself and be creative. She gave me the tools to find it, and I’ll be forever grateful to her for that gift.

Mr. Wright was another teacher that inspired me. It wasn’t so much how he taught or what he taught, but how he treated others. He taught through all the bullshit that was going in my life and inspired me enough to fall in love with American history and politics. He was strict in the classroom, but he was totally fair. I saw him recently and he hasn’t changed much at all. I’m sure he still talks about Cool Hand Luke and adores Ronald Reagan.

I have to include Mr Hawkins as inspiration. It wasn’t on a positive note that he inspired me. He was kind of a nasty person. But one day I was looking for my girlfriend (Suzy Adamo) and I overheard Mr. Hawkins and another teacher comment about me. In reference to me he said, “oh, he’ll never amount to anything.” That and the fact that Suzy’s parents thought I’d never “become anything”, drove me in my twenties to do all the things I did that made me successful. They both filled me with the fear of being a failure in life. I also wanted, in the back of my mind, to prove them wrong. Those words and thoughts hurt me at the time, but I’m grateful for them now.

These three teachers were the most significant to me because they all had one thing in common… impact. The cut through all my problems and spoke to my heart and inspired me to do and be a better human being. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey. You can comment here or there.

Recently I got my name and gender changed legally. I went to the health department to have my records changed. One of the women at the ISDOH pulled me in an office to tell me that “Usually it doesn’t take so long to process this, but since you’re adopted, it takes longer.”

I must have looked punched… she covered her mouth and said “You didn’t know?”

So, ya… thanks Mom.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

I was searching for an old post on my LiveJournal that I wanted to share with my cousin, and I started reading old posts. I read this old post and almost cried. I wrote a post called “I live, I die” on March 10th, 2004. This is an excerpt:

“I am feeling very lethargic. I think it’s the meds I am on. Ive had some pretty horrid thoughts lately. I wont follow through with it though. My father slowly killed himself and died when I was 11. I refuse to do the same to my kids, so I my life is a living hell. I don’t want to live, I don’t want to die. So I exist.”

That is exactly how I felt then. In August of 2000 I got divorced from my wife of 7 years and went into a very dark place. I stayed in that place pretty much for the next four or five years. The divorce was brutal on me. I had never felt such pain in my life. The only thing I can even closely compare it with was the death of my father.

When I wrote that paragraph above in my LJ, I hadn’t seen my children in two years. I had gotten so depressed I saw a therapist through work and they put me on Lexapro. WRONG THING TO DO FOR ME. We lived on the 29th floor of a high rise apartment and I started having fantasies about taking a nose dive off the balcony. I knew it was the meds. I stopped taking them, and those feelings stopped. But i still felt trapped in a life I hated, not wanting to live, but not wanting to die either.

I started writing my journal out of my own sense of fear, loneliness, and most of all, raw, emotionally crippling, gut clenching pain. I don’t think anyone wishes pain on themselves, but that pain did give birth to of my greatest gift, my writing. Nietzsche once said “You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.” I truly believe that.

I look back on those entries and it feels like I’m reading entries from another person. My world is so different now. I feel totally different about my life, my outlook, and my hopes and dreams. I can be alone, and be ok. I’m happy to be alive. Being joyful rocks.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

There were some highlights…

Transadvocate is a year old, my writing has gotten read more, and spread out more.

But in a lot of ways, 2007 sucked. The phone theme I made for New Years pretty much says it all.

I’m looking to be more positive this year, and enjoy what life brings me.

But fuck, 2007 really did suck.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here but Marti feels more love if you comment there. Registration is no longer required.

Ever have a feeling someone you knew was going to wind up in the pages of a 3rd rate porn magazine? Damn I’m freakin Sylvia Browne! I probably should go play the lottery now… I won’t be shocked to see her on Howard Stern, showing her tits.

Back in the day, before I really knew her, I liked her. But then I got to see inside her. She uses her body, her looks, and her charm to get what she wants. And then there’s the fact that she’s batshit crazy. I’m so glad that relationship went down the tubes….

I’ve been taught over and over again to look deeper inside someone before pursuing anything. Bat shit crazy aint fun.

Let me tell ya.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here but Marti feels more love if you comment there. Registration is no longer required.

It’s funny, I’m really looking past Christmas this year. I’m looking forward to 2007, and this 2006 shit hole of a year being over with. OK, it wasn’t THAT bad. It was just a year of extremes. It was the year that my cholesterol skyrocketed to 320, and my liver enzymes shot up to 290 (4 times the high normal value). It was the year I had my first surgery (gallbladder), albeit not the first one I wanted. It was the year i got stretch marks! *grumbles*

Now, I’m not gonna whine through this entire post. I got my podcast up and going, and am developing a second. Transadvocate.com is slowly becoming what I had dreamed, a community site. I feel like my posts to this blog have more depth, more texture, and more exposure. In the second half of the year, my writing has really taken off.

And then there is my love. I’ve never made a connection that’s so deep, so free, and so honest. Having V in my life, has been really sweet too. As I write this, she’s sleeping away in my bed. I’ve got so much ahead of me next year. Two writing projects, lots of blogging, and a ton of loving! For now, I’m just gonna go warm myself under the covers and snuggle…

and look forward, with hope.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

So many relationships going so many different ways right now, in my life. You, for instance…I used to think that you were so much stronger, so much wiser, and so much more in control of your life. You used to chide me for not being able to deal with my own pain, live with my mistakes, and encouraged me to stop beating myself up. You told me you’d never seen polyamory work. I felt inferior to you in so many ways, barely worthy of your friendship. Now I see your latest post is nothing but a skip on a 45. I hear, I’m leaving, I’m leaving, I’m leaving. STFU and go then!

Seriously. I don’t know you. So many things I tried to learn from you, I’ve found that you haven’t fixed in your own world. Maybe that’s why you were so short with me. Maybe that’s why you can’t return my email, but I get a comment once or twice a year. Don’t bother,… I don’t know you and I no longer respect you.

And you, my love. You and yours have taught me the fullness of polyamory. You’ve given me part of my childhood back. You’ve given me a fist to lay next to mine. You’ve been there for me in so many ways, I cry with joy knowing your in my life.

And you are new. Fuck, I am so intrigued. So many shadows, so much light, so much pain, so much substance. So much fucking texture. Hell, I’m not sure I even know your birth sex. I’m pretty sure I don’t give a rats ass. In fact, I’m positive of that fact. I’ve shown you the weird, but healthy way I love.

And you! I love cuddling with you. I definitely feel loved in your presence. You feel like family to me. You treat me exactly how I want to be treated. You love me. You support me. You see me.

Loving all of you has taught me a lot about what’s important in life, and I appreciate that more than you know. More than you can know. I’m amazed at the kind of love I am able to give and to receive. I am hurt by you. I am content loving you. I am aching for you.

This, is living.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

V and I went on a date to Bloomington, Indiana. Bloomington is home of Indiana University (Hoosiers). We went to Shanti Indian Cuisine and then went to Bloomington’s lesbian outpost, Willy Joes.

bloomington date

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

It looks like Chicago makes the most sense.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

For years I suffered with my gender dysphoria and I did so silently. I was afraid, confused, and needed constant validation from others. I struggled with it for 33 years and tried everything I could do to hide it, bury it, fix it, or Jesus it away. But I’ve come to the conclusion that after 33 years of trying, that I should accept it and grow from it.

I’m no longer an insecure person that needs someone to validate me. I know who I am, what I want, and what I will and will not accept. I am an individual. I can only control things that I do and I am responsible for. I have worth based on how I feel about me, not how someone else feels about me I know who Marti is, even if you are confused about what “sex” or “gender” Marti is. Knowing Marti, finding Marti, has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

I’ve been transitioning and on hormone replacement therapy since September 1st, 2001. Five years out, I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I feel focused, centered, and in control of my life. Some may think I’m fooling myself… but what if I am? Growing into the person that I am has been one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. I am happy. I am content. In the end, my own happiness trumps anyone else’s understanding of me. If this makes me be able to function in society and find joy in life, then it is a good, and moral thing to do.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here but Marti feels more love if you comment there. Registration is no longer required.

It’s funny, before I had Lola or Chaz, I had tolerated my pets (I think because they were usually chosen by someone else in my life), but always half joked that if a pet ever cost me more than it did to purchase them, I’d have them put down. Well, that theory is out the window….. Both my pets bring my great joy, and they’re both cuddlers and I love them!

Looking at my blog, I just realized that Lola has been with me two years, this Monday!
I never can seem to find a pic that really captures my cat. Well, that is, until today. I found these two on my server while doing some cleanup.

and

My little noodle cat….

<3

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

Day late, but hopefully not a dollar short.

My weekend went pretty well. Spent some quality time Saturday afternoon with love. She’s a strong person, going through some tough medical problems, but still holding up well. I’m afraid for her, and was afraid to tell her as much. I did anyways because I don’t lie to her, even if it’s something I don’t want to talk about. She amazes me with her strength.

Then on Saturday night I had a date with Veronica <lj user=”fluffybunny”>. First we went to Yats (Cajun) for food, and then went to the gay bar across the way and  kicked some ass (lesbian ass at that) in pool.

I had fun, and the night ended with sweet kisses. I’m NOT complaining.

You can see pics of that at :

1st date

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

A comment by a fellow Alumni of my high school,

“after the reunion, i see that we have all changed. apparently not as much as marty abernathy. whatever floats ones boat, or words to that effect….”

Not really sure if that’s a dig, or not. Pffffffffft. I don’t care, it made me laugh.

Some things, like sense of humor, just get better with age.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

Sheesh. Let’s go to the Ole Myspace mailbag, shall we?

“hey babe,

my names john, i am a 22 yr old from chicago. I am very outgoing and willing to try anything once. I am a chef and curently going to culinary school. I have pics, but for now i am 5′7′’ tan athletic body brn eyes n hair 150 pnds, and italian. I just wanted to tell you that you are georgeous and i’d love to talk to u. Also i am very very bi curious. hehe. Could i have your yahoo id so we could chat more, or aol? Thanks hope to hear from you soon! - John”

“YEA YEA YEA….

I KNOW I DON’T KNOW YOU AND YOU DON’T KNOW ME. SO WE GOT THAT SETTLED. I WOULD LIKE TO BE ADDED TO YOURS AND YOU ADDED TO MINE…. ADDING AS A FRIEND, I’AM NOT GOOD AT THIS….

SO HOW DOES THAT SOUND! I KNOW I KNOW I’AM SORRY I COULD’NT SELL YOU INSURANCE WITH THAT STUFF.
I KNOW! IT’S THE WAY YOU PUT THINGS MAINLY IN THE PART ABOUT YOUR SELF

P.S MY NAME IS JEFF

HOLLA BACK

I REALLY WANT CHAT WITH YOU I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE
SILLY . I FILL A BATTLE COMING ON————– BETWEEN WORDS
JUST FOR FUN “

“hi who are you doing tonight wanna chat hit me back -Gregg”

“want 9 inches? - K-Bo”

Sheesh. No wonder good men are hard to find.

But I saved the best for last….

“hey i can accept you being lesbian as long as your with me. sincerly ronnie i live in indy east side 632-2XXX” - Ronnie

powered by performancing firefox

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

Well… the good news is I DIDN’T DIE! OK, I didn’t expect to, but it makes for good drama! I wasn’t really prepared for how I felt after the surgery. The difference between a colonoscopy and full on surgery was staggering. With conscious sedation (Demerol and VerSed) I came out of the procedure feeling stoned to the bone, but with all my wits. But with my gallbladder surgery, I woke up feeling like a sick, confused and wounded dog. The confusion didn’t clear right away, either. It was at least 30 minutes before I was aware enough to sit up and know where I was. I do not like that feeling at all and I can’t imagine how much that’s going to be intensified with my genital and breast augmentation surgery. The thought of being alone for my GRS, scares me even more now. Physically I was alone at the hospital, but the entire time I was there I either talked with my love, text her, or sent pics to her. A few days before the surgery I received a package from her. With my birthday coming up, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. I won’t list all the gifts, but you probably remember seeing me with my little cow…

and my socks…

and my blanket…

Every single gift that she gave me had some special meaning. It was a love package for sure. I was swimming in her comfort, concern, and love, even though she couldn’t be here for my surgery. I was glad that she could be there in spirit.

A week before the surgery, Nik’s aunt insisted that I come and stay with them for a few days. I was really touched by her offer. The surgery was done on an outpatient basis, so I needed to be picked up. I stayed a day at her house before going home. The lack of internets was driving me stir crazy, so I came home. I’m starting to get back into the groove of my life. I’m post op now about a week, and I feel pretty much back to normal.

Well, as normal as I get.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

Posted straight from my phone with Nakama. Click to see more.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

Heh… well maybe! I’m having my gallbladder removed tomorrow. If I die, before I wake, at least thy myspace blog I did make. I’m using the firefox performancing myspace add-on to post this biatch.

Spiffy.

That’s right kids, my gallbladder is outta here! I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t scared, but not too much. I’m really content with my life, and the people I love, know they are loved. Damn, I thought my testicles would be the first things to die, under the knife. Expect me to write a lot, since I’m going to be off for a while.

If I don’t do the dying thing tomorrow, I’m seriously thinking about buying something like this in Chicago.

I’ll leave you with something I wrote for my loves, Dode and Lavanya.

“I hope this afternoon/evening finds you well. I started this email a
week ago and it blossomed into a bit more than I expected. It actually
helped me refocus my life on what I want to do.

Last week you asked me what my goals were, and just as synchronicity
would have it, I’ve been working on my goals.

As far as trans wise, in the next 15 months I want to my breast
augmentation done and get all my outstanding debts paid off. Do I want
to have GRS (genital reassignment surgery)? I’m fairly certain that I
want to “go all the way,” but I’m not 100 percent sure. Why? I don’t
care about my parts either way. I do want to suppress my testosterone
production and I want to be able to have an active sex life.

My essence has always been female, but I’ve been socialized as male.
It’s why I’m the hybrid you know today. I don’t need to have a vagina
to verify this to me. That being said, life would be a lot easier with
a vagina. I could have a F on my passport (definite safety issue). I
wouldn’t have to make the decision between going in the men’s restroom
and getting beat up or worse or going in the women’s restroom and
being arrested. It’s a matter of making my life easier and safer. I
could live as a woman but still keep my penis. Really, the only person
that would know would be my lovers. But I’m not fully functional as a
male, currently. Keeping my current genital configuration would limit
me to sexual partners as well. Safety, security, and a lot of sex are
what I desire. Surgery would probably put me in more normative
categories that would allow me a better chance for romantic
relationships.

As far as my gender presentation, I am positive that this is how I
want to spend the rest of my life. I want to have all my aesthetic
stuff done first, before I even consider GRS. To me, the vital
surgeries are breast augmentation, followed by brow lift/scalp
advancement, and then FFS (facial feminization surgery) and some
cosmetic dental work to boot. Most people wont see my genitals,
they’ll see my face/body. That’s the area that’s most important to me.
After all, this isn’t about how I have sex, it’s about me feeling
comfortable in my own skin.

In three years I plan on moving out of Indianapolis. But I won’t know
where home is until I get there and feel it. Until then, I’m not
counting any city out. I am acutely aware of how “red” this state is.
I want to get out of this conservative environment. Cities that have
my interest as of now are Windsor Canada, Chicago, Sacramento, San Francisco,
Boston, and Washington DC, but I wouldn’t rule out others.

My focus over the next three years is to get my son graduated,
visitation of my daughter reinstated, my debts paid off, and of course
to have at least my breast augmentation surgery done.

Long term plans? My theory is plan like you’re going to live till 119,
but act like I’ll die today. I want to learn how to climb and repel.
Before I die I want to visit Paris, London, Prague, Venice, Berlin,
Rome, Sydney, Scotland (especially Abernathy) The Grand Canyon,
Tijuana, Cape Horn, Brazil, and many other places that I’m forgetting.
I want to jump from an airplane, I want to swim again. I want to water
ski again, like I did when I was a teen. I want to look good enough in
a swimsuit that the genetic women are envious. I want to see my son
become a father, and my daughter become a mother. I want to foster
kids. I want to watch my grand kids. I want to write my autobiography
as a gift to my children and to speak with generations down my family
tree. I want to get back to the same shape I was in when I was 22. I
want to run for political office. I want to do more activism. I want
to stay positive while doing so. I want to study Aikido and Yoga. I
want to work out more. I want to be able to run hard and long. I want
a runner’s body again. I want to go back to college and get a degree
in English and possibly law school. I want to continue to broadcast
and create Internet content. I want to be surrounded by positive
souls. I want our friendship to be one of unity. I want to learn more
about each of your childhoods/family history. I want to leave this
world with both you and Dode in my heart and mind. I want my friends
close to me. I want to heal my enemies. I want to learn from jealousy.
I want to learn to love more. I want to learn more about Buddhism as a
philosophy. I want to live a life full of love, and a death that comes
naturally. I want to live a life of truth. I want to learn more about
me. I want to learn about others. I want to learn. I want to feel the
roughness of a man’s face on mine. I want to feel the softness of a
woman’s cheek. I want to hold hands. I want to go for walks with loved
ones. I want to plan my entire funeral (I’ve already started the
eulogy and I plan on making a funeral video to my family and friends
that will be played in place of a typical eulogy). I want to be
cremated and have half of my ashes buried in the ground (if my kids
need a place to visit for peace of mind…) and half spread over San
Francisco Bay. If I’m on life support and have less than a 40 percent
chance of regaining my past health, I want to be left to die. I don’t
want a preacher at my funeral. I don’t want any hymns played. I want
my death and my life to be signposts for those that come after me. I
want to leave this place with few regrets and as many loved ones as
possible. I want to feel. I want to ache. I want to live.

Most of all, I want to love and be loved in return.”

Be well, all.

Originally published at Marti Abernathey.com. You can comment here or there.

Speaking of Daphne, I talked to her on Friday. Daphne as been around my LJ for a pretty long time. She’s just as I thought she’d be, funny, witty, and full of passion (and other expandables). What I realized is that she shares something with my Second Life love, R. R and J (R’s husband) probably wouldn’t find much in common with Daphne and her husband. What similarity do I see in both couples?

In every picture, story, or mention, you can see the love, the companionship, and friendship just pouring out. I don’t know her husband well, but anyone that dresses up like one of Mario Brothers for the fun of it, I have an automatic affinity for. The commonality I felt with both couples are:

Contentment. Laughter. Playfulness. Smiles. Joy. Gratefulness. Depth. A genuine sweetness. Most of all, I felt a very giving, trusting, and open love.

I never really put this together until last night, while hanging out with R&J. I realized that this kind of love of life and person, I’ve not felt those feelings since I was a kid. The family alcoholism, the drama marriages, and many other painful traumas have caused me to stop believing in that such relationships exist. I’ve hardened my heart to the possibility, frankly. I’m thankful that both R and Daphne are in my consciousness right now, to shine as examples of this kind of love.

R, is really the genesis of this introspective moment. I won’t really discuss the event that made this come to light, because it’s highly personal and frankly too intimate for me to feel comfortable sharing here. I can say that she peered into my soul and poured her heart out to me in such a beautiful gift. I will treasure that gift for the rest of my life.

I have to wonder if the lack of belief has caused me to seek out love that was negative and co-dependent instead of their kind of love? I’m not really sure, but it’s something I keep rolling over in my head. I get the feeling that my movement toward a life of positive growth has allowed me see their examples.

Regardless, I’m grateful for you both. You bring me hope.