It's MzMartiPants to you!

LOL...jesus! that last post was like giving birth....now I feel spent. I talked to one of my dearest friends. She tells me how it is, no matter WHAT I want to hear. I trust her with my emotions more than anyone else. I saved the IM because her honesty touched me soo much. This IM came right after my last post. Heres a bit of it:

F (4:18 PM): nope. you just like your victimhood.
F (4:18 PM): it's easier than saying "hey... i
F (4:18 PM): i've been an asshole... time to change it."

F (4:19 PM): do you want to learn? or do you want to wallow?
F(4:20 PM): you have a tendency to wallow.

F (4:25 PM): stop fucking up.
F (4:25 PM): stop being the monster you've made.
F (4:25 PM): that others have made you.
F (4:25 PM): you know the difference.
F (4:25 PM): act on it.
ME(4:26 PM): I feel like every time i do
ME(4:26 PM): i fuck up
F (4:26 PM): because you hate yourself.
F (4:26 PM): you sabotage yourself

F (4:26 PM): that's where this all comes from.
F (4:26 PM): marti... you're not someone to hate.
F (4:26 PM): your wife hates you.
F (4:26 PM): big whoop.
F (4:26 PM): that was a fuckup.
F (4:26 PM): not entirely your fault.

F (4:27 PM): hey...own what's real.
F (4:27 PM): and learn.
F (4:27 PM): you're not someone to hate.
F (4:27 PM): i don't hate you.
F (4:27 PM): why should you?
ME (4:27 PM): good question
F (4:27 PM): you put yourself into positions where people confirm your self-hatred.
F (4:27 PM): "look at what an ass i am"
F (4:28 PM): problem is... you manufacture it.

Tis true...Tis true. I set myself up quite a bit, to confirm shitty feelings that I keep selling myself. I fucked up..it was monumental..and it grew from a small seed, into a huge fuck up. I am wallowing in pain. I havent really done anything to get past it...except deny the pain. Fuck ive got alot of work to do. Some days I just dont see the prize. I get so tired. What choice do i have....Im not gonna kill myself. So Im gonna do the work and move on. Joy.